Meeting with genetic counselor December 1, 2015

We knew the blood work would come back with high percentages for chromosomal defects.  So we were kind of prepared, or so we thought.  I had a 1 in <5 chance for Trisomy 18 or 13 and a 1 in 18 chance for Down Syndrome.  It was hard to see it on paper.  I really had my mind made up we were just dealing with a heart defect.  Now I was beginning to have doubts.  My results also showed my HCG level to be extremely low.  I then took on the stress of thinking I could miscarry and Silas would not even have a chance at life outside the womb.  All I could do was put our trust in God and continue to follow the path He had for us.  I found comfort in knowing that it was out of my hands, but in His.  I had no control over this.

I then took the maternity 21 blood test that is 94-99% accurate with results in many chromosomal syndromes including Down Syndrome and Trisomy.  We would also be able to find out the gender of our baby.  During our last four pregnancies, we were adamant about not finding out the gender.  Once again I think God was preparing me to not have another disappointment.  Before we knew Silas had anything wrong we decided to find out the gender – just for fun.  It kind of took me by surprise that both Boyd and I felt like we wanted to know the gender.  So another long week of waiting for the results of a blood test.  I am learning that this whole process is about waiting and patience; two things beyond my comfort.  When I have a problem, I tackle it head on and get it fixed right away.

That week I anxiously awaited the call with the results.  I tried not to worry and hand my cares over to God, but it was hard!  It is still hard to escape the never-ending thoughts as I feel him move, and I watch my stomach growing.  I feel so responsible for his well-being.  On December 9th we got the call. It’s a boy!!!!  (Our last three have been girls, so it will be a nice change to have a little boy running around.)  Most importantly the chromosome tests were normal.  I never thought I would feel relieved to “just” be dealing with a complex heart defect.

At this point Boyd and I never really let ourselves think to far into the future of planning Silas’ care.  We are praying still for a miracle and are waiting for that next ultrasound.   We believe that God can grow our little boy’s heart.  We had total faith that He could do it IF He chose to do it. Often when people would ask how we were doing, I would feel guilty that I was portraying that we had given up and accepted his diagnosis.  So not true.  Boyd said “We are human, he is our child, and this is happening right now.  It has nothing to do with our lack of faith.  We are parents to a child who is sick.”  If God chooses not to heal Silas, then we are Ok with that.  Of course, it makes us sad, angry, and so many other emotions, but not at God.  I do not question why this is happening.  I know there is a reason as to why this is happening, but we may not know that reason for a long time.