It has been two weeks since Silas has passed, yet it already feels like he has been gone for two months. I can’t bring myself to delete the app on my phone that tells me how many weeks and days pregnant I am suppose to be-23 weeks, 3 days. This second week has been so much harder than I thought it would be. So many emotions have come up. We have also started back to our “normal” routine: homeschooling, church, chauffeuring the kids to different activities, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and Boyd needing to attend to his law practice. All of that combined has created chaos within me.
I struggled with what I wanted to write today. I want to be positive and post about how well things are going, but in the end I decided I needed to tell what I (we) are really feeling. I felt impressed to share our true grieving process. That maybe others who have gone through or are going through a loss can see that what they may be feeling is ok. A friend of ours who recently went through a similar situation shared with me how it was “ok” to still be crying, angered, and upset months later. Knowing that information helped me to feel like I was not just losing it, or a hot hormonal mess. Although I am sure my postpartum hormones are playing a part in it. Also I feel there is a stigma that being a Christian means you have to be positive all the time, and by showing emotions that you are not trusting in God-lacking faith. I was actually told this during our journey with Silas.
When I look in the mirror I see in my eyes the toll the stress and grief has taken on me. I have been very irritable with my children which causes me more guilt. Some days I feel like I have emotionally checked out and neglecting my other children. While in the hospital delivering Silas I said I would appreciate my kids more, spend more quality time with them. Here I am doing the opposite. I know it has only been two weeks and I need time to get use to the idea he is gone, but it is so hard to think logically while you are in the storm. I have days where I don’t cry and can smile at my kids silliness. But there are many days where all I do is fight the tears and cry so hard I can’t breathe, don’t want to get out of bed, and grumble to God about how this is not fair. I feel like the child in me comes out and just wants to throw a tantrum and say “It’s not fair” with my arms crossed tightly across my chest. At the end of it all my only hope is in Him. I know I would be completely lost without Him. This journey would be unbearable if I did not have the comfort of my Savior, my Heavenly Father to comfort me. To have hope that I will see Silas again one day. Yes, I do still have the peace within me, but some days it is just too hard to allow it to fill me.
I have many traditions that I follow each time I have a new little one, and I wanted to make sure I did that with Silas. I have a glass door on my wall with all of my families pictures in each pane. I had two of Silas’ pictures blown up and I put them in with his brothers and sisters. At Christmas Boyd surprised me with my second mothers ring. Yes, a second one. My first ring only held five stones, so I outgrew that one real quick. We joke that he should have bought a tennis bracelet to hold all the birthstones. I have wanted a second ring because it felt weird to me to only wear a ring that represented half of my children, but we never made it a priority. Boyd was thoughtful and picked out a beautiful second ring. We were waiting to put in Silas’ stone because at the time we were not sure if he would be a May or June baby-my due date was May 27th. When he passed I called them right away to have them put in a garnet stone. They already had the ring due to sizing it. I went to pick it up yesterday and the lady at the desk asked how my baby was in that voice you use when talking about babies. I don’t mind sharing his story, but I always get uncomfortable with the other persons response or uneasiness after I tell them what happened. I felt bad for her actually because I could tell she felt so awful for what she had just said. But of course she had no way of knowing what had happened. I put the ring on and cried the whole way home. Sitting in the car long enough for the redness in my face to go away so it did not look like I had been crying. Not sure why, but I don’t want people to know I cry. I have a hard time letting people see I don’t have it all together. I guess that is my point in sharing this blog. Ever since I was a little girl I collected Precious Moments figurines. When I started having children I would pick out a figurine that reminded me of them. I found one that just stuck out to me and what I thought my Silas would look like. Ok, I know I have a lot of traditions, this is the last one that I have accomplished so far. Yes, I have a few more that I will post later as they happen:) I have a charm bracelet that Boyd bought me at my high school graduation. Everywhere we traveled I would buy a charm from that place. When we started having children I would buy a charm that had something to do with their name. While picking up my ring I bought a charm of a tree. Silas’ name means woody, of the woods. Just for fun I have posted a few pictures of my traditions, except the charm as it will not be ready for a few weeks. In the picture with the Precious Moments is a few gifts we have also received-bonsai tree, needlepoint, and teddy bear. We have many future plans on how to keep Silas’ memory alive in our home. So I am sure you will see them soon.
On a happy note, Silas’ blog has now been seen in fourteen countries-US, United Kingdom, Brazil, Canada, Australia, Columbia, Malaysia, Croatia, Philippines, Italy, Argentina, Portugal, Germany, and France!!! I have had so many people follow his story. That is what keeps me posting. To encourage or share with others that when tragedy hits it can be so overwhelming, but there is hope. It is ok, to feel totally crippled by it, but we have someone who can not just walk beside us during theses times, but who will actually carry us through them. I just have to remember that.
strongsilas 