We got home from the hospital on Saturday afternoon.  We spent the next day recovering and spending time with our family.  The last few days have been a constant revolving door of us leaving and family coming in to babysit while we went to many appointments.  So it was nice to have a full day with them.  We also spent time discussing what we wanted for Silas’ funeral so we could be prepared for our Monday morning appointments with the funeral home and cemetery.  The kids had lots of questions.  Where is baby Ocho?  When will we get to see him?  Why do you put him in the ground?  My older two boys have only been to one funeral when they were little, this was foreign to all of them.  We had been open with them from the start about how sick Silas was.  So I think they were somewhat comfortable with everything going on.

I woke up Monday morning to extreme pain in my head.  I could hardly stand up.  I knew this was a possibility  due to some issues we had at the hospital with my epidural.  I knew right away it was a spinal headache.  When they did my epidural they went through the epidural space (a wet tap).  Over a few days that hole allowed the spinal fluid to leak out around my brain.  My brain was no longer floating, but being pulled down, which caused the extreme pain.  I was so upset and crying.  I thought “God, what more do I have to endure?”  We went to our 9 am appointment at the funeral home with me walking hunched over.  The only way to get relief is to bend all the way forward or lay completely flat so the brain was not being pulled down.  I was praying that as soon as the appointment was over I could get in to do a procedure called a blood patch to help with the issue.  I felt so silly walking into our appointment hunched over and with a look of complete agony.  I briefly explained to the person we met with what was wrong, and that I was not losing it over the passing of our son.  It is funny how time and time again we make a plan of how things will go only to be reminded that it is not in our hands.  Thankfully, we had discussed ahead of time what we wanted.  So it made the meeting short.  Newcomer is a generous funeral home who will offer their services for free to parents who have lost a small child.  They were very kind and easy to work with.  The meeting was not as hard as I thought it would be, probably due to my medical distraction.  Not a day goes by that we don’t shed tears several times a day, but the Lord always pulls us out of our despair to see the blessings He has given us.

I was able to get the blood patch done immediately after our appointment.  I will save you all the boring details of what is involved.  After four epidural punctures, birth, and a total of eighteen sticks for various reasons in three days, I did get relief instantly.  Yes, I feel I am entitled to complain:)  In order to make the procedure work I had to lay down and not lift for two days.  Not an easy task for someone with a house full of kids and a home neglected over the past few days.  We made it out just in time to make it to our appointment at the cemetery.  God blessed us with a beautiful, secluded area for Silas among many trees.  We left the cemetery with gratitude that God had provided everything we wanted for Silas and that I was no longer in pain.

 

During the next few days leading up to the funeral became very emotional for me.  I think having to lie down so much left me with a lot of time to my thoughts.  I was suppose to have a little boy at home nestled on my chest at wee hours of the morning, Olive was suppose to be a big sister to her future best friend, and Boyd was suppose to have countless hours teaching him about Jesus and instilling a passion for music.  Just when I was starting to go into that dark tunnel that never ends I got on strongsilas and saw that Malaysia had been added to the countries on Silas’ journey.  I have to constantly be reminded that God’s purpose for Silas’ life may not be what we had in mind, but it makes my heart turn from sadness to joy when I know maybe one more seed had been planted due to my little boys journey.

We had Silas’ service today.  A very cold day, but the sun was shinning and there was no wind.  Boyd carried his white little casket to the burial spot.  We had a beautiful spray of white and ivory baby roses.  Boyd had prepared a heartfelt message for Silas’ service.  He told the story behind how we decided on the name Silas and the nickname Ocho.  He read scripture of the life of Silas in the Bible and Psalm 18.  Our pastor and his wife played acoustic guitar and led us in song.  I am sure you know what song we sang-He is with us.  He closed in prayer and told Silas we would see him again.  I sat there crying over the missed opportunities with him, but I so look forward to spending my time with him in Paradise.

The pictures in his memorial folder were of an ultrasound profile picture, and of his little feet resting in his daddy’s hand.

A dear family friend offered to do a delicious, huge meal for our family after the ceremony.  It was such a blessing not to play “host” for the day, but to enjoy time with family and friends.  Throughout the week we have received such beautiful gifts for our Silas-flowers, meals, a bonsai tree, a needle point creation, and a donation in his name to the back2back missionary organization in Mexico that Silas visited while in the womb.  Boyd and I have been truly touched by the thoughtfulness and generosity by our family and friends.  We thank you so much.  And most important thank you for all the prayers that have gone up to God for our whole family over the course of the last two months.  Sorry if this post is poorly written, but I have a 16 mo. insisting on climbing all over me as I type.

Silas we love you dearly and you will always be a part of our daily lives.  I know you are not  here on earth anymore, but we will visit your grave frequently as a place to remember you. I want your siblings to grow up knowing you are their brother.  My sweet Silas have fun running around up there with your new little heart!