What a beautiful day God gave us in February.  It felt so good to spend the day in the sunshine with the family.  We took full advantage of it, even though I had to hobble through it due to a broken right foot.  It was the first time we were able to visit Silas’ grave leisurely without freezing, and the kids wanting to get back inside the van.  We then went to a nursery and shopped  for a tree to put in the sitting garden we are planning for our backyard as a place to remember Silas.  We found the perfect tree that we had envisioned for his garden.  I wanted a large weeping willow tree that we could put a bench under.  I am thankful we found a large tree that was already grown.  I can not wait to see it in bloom.  Last week when we went to pick out his head stone we were able to buy a beautiful granite park bench with special engravings to put in our garden.  Unfortunately we will have to wait until July before it is ready.  What started as just a small tree and a bench as a memorial for Silas has turned into a beautiful sitting garden with many personal touches.  It will be completed in stages over the next few months, and of course I will post pictures:)  The planning of his garden has brought me times of happiness in the midst of such heartache.

Psalm 139:1-16

Today marks a month of finding out Silas had gone on to Heaven.  The last three months have been such a whirlwind.  Daily I still find myself staring in a daze, remembering all of the events that have taken place.  Still not able to believe Boyd and I have a child in Heaven.  Our faith in the Lord has been our only hope to get through this.  To know we will see Silas again one day.  To be honest, I have had many moments where I was so angry and full of grief that I did not want to hear that “God will comfort me”, or “He will get me through this”.  I just wanted Silas home with me.  It was not due to my faith being shaken, but just the process of grief.  I do have more days without crying now.  The rawness is not as fresh.  But never a day where I don’t think of him multiple times a day.

While in the hospital my sister sent me a beautiful flower/plant arrangement and it had a red bird in it.  I was told that when you see a red bird it is someone from Heaven watching over you.  I personally do not believe that loved ones come back in different forms of people or animals, but maybe God will allow different things to show up as reminders that He is still there and cares?  The day of Silas’ funeral as we were about to pull away a cardinal flew over his grave.  It immediately caught my eye as its red body was such a contrast to the white snow on the ground.  Even though I did not think that was Silas, it did remind me that I was not alone in this difficult situation.  We have had a red cardinal perch itself in a tree outside our dining room window several times while we are sitting there having our family meals.  I can’t help but feel a connection with Silas at those times. Weird, crazy? Maybe, but who am I to say how the Lord will find ways to bring us peace.

I don’t want to overload my posts with pictures of things we receive, but I am truly amazed and thankful for all the people who have been so thoughtful and caring to us.  We have had so much support that keeps on coming.  A friend of ours brought over today a precious moments figurine that was so touching.  As I wrote in a previous blog I collect precious moments figurines.  As we found the perfect spot to put it in my curio cabinet we could not keep the tears back.  The figurine is of a mom handing over her child to an angel, and it is labeled “Mommy’s love goes with you”.  It also has his name and the  dates he was alive(which we consider the whole time he was in the womb) on it in gold.

Since we are a large family, when we are out and about we get a lot of questions and one that always comes up is “How many children do you have?”  The first few times this has happened I stumbled because it took me off guard.  How do I say I have 8 without going into my whole story?  I end up saying we have 7 and 1 who recently went to Heaven.  I am still not real comfortable with saying that.  Surprisingly the people do not get all weird and quiet which is what I brace myself for, but start talking to me about it.

Today was the first holiday that he missed.  Although it was not a big holiday, I still found myself counting out eight chocolate hearts while at the store instead of 7.  Today is Boyd’s birthday and his first without his son.  Seems like every week has some kind of hurdle to get over.  Tomorrow we will be picking out his head stone.  Such decisions I never dreamed we would be making.  Thank you to all who read my blog and listen to my thoughts, feelings, and sometimes just ramblings.  My only motive in doing this blog is to help others  who have experienced a loss and to show people that there is hope through our Lord.

Psalm 119:28  My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Oh how I wish I could have just one glimpse of you in Heaven!

This week is CHD (congenital heart defect) awareness.  Until Silas I really had no clue about pediatric CHD.  I knew children were born with heart issues, but never really understood the severity of it.  I did not understand what these children and their families have to endure.  I never knew anyone who had to deal with this awful defect, so I honestly did not pay much attention to CHDs.  Unfortunately, I do now.  Congenital heart defects are actually the #1 birth defect.  It is the leading cause of death in children over all other childhood diseases combined.  I was shocked when I read these statistics for the first time.  I had no clue.  CHD does not have a face to put with it like other pediatric illnesses.  When you look at these children most of them do not look sick, or the misunderstanding that they are “fixed” after their many open heart surgeries and procedures.  But it is a life long battle just to live.  In rememberance of Silas and for all the families who have had to walk this path I wanted to bring awareness to this serious birth defect.

I ordered a cross flower arrangement to mark Silas’ grave until we are able to get his tombstone put in.  A person from Etsy custom made it to look a lot like the flowers we had for his service.  We have visited his grave several times. We have this sense of needing to check on him.  It is hard to describe, but I need to visit him.  Even though he is gone I still have that mothering instinct to care for him.  He is still my little boy that I birthed.  I know there is nothing I can really do for him and that his spirit lives on in Heaven and not in this earth.  I guess it is a coping mechanism??

I was talking (well texting, since between the two of us we have 13 children and is impossible to actually talk on the phone) to one of my closest friends who is someone I can always go to no matter how long it has been since we talked.  I was telling her about our plans this spring to plant a big weeping willow tree in our backyard with an engraved bench to put under it as a way to keep Silas close to home.  The other day I received in the mail a beautiful silver necklace with a bench charm and a circle charm engraved with “Your story matters” on it.  Such a thoughtful reminder and a gift I will always treasure .

I had mentioned before that friends of ours wanted to make a donation in Silas’ name to an organization that we felt strongly about.  Boyd and I knew we wanted the gift to go towards something to do with missions.  Then it came to us to have the donation go to Back 2 Back.  It is the organization we spent time with while in Cancun and Silas was there with us in the womb.  Our friends in return contacted that organization and prayed about where to apply the money.  They found a women, in Cancun, who had eight children that had recently lost her husband and was about to lose some of her children to foster care due to lack of funds.  Our friends were drawn to the fact the women had eight children.  Silas was our eighth child and he was nicknamed Ocho while we were in Cancun.  Little did our friends know that we spent the day with several of the women’s eight children and learned all about her family and their needs.  After receiving this news I cried and thought how awesome our God is to have all this come together.  Thank you Phil and Jean for helping my Silas continue his missionary work.  I am forever thankful.  Speaking of Silas’ missionary work, his story has now been followed by people in fifteen countries!!  I pray my blog posts will open the eyes and hearts of people around the world to the Creator of our universe.  That a seed has been planted and will one day grow into a faithful servant of Christ.

Thank you to all who have sent cards, letters, and gifts to encourage us during this time.  I am touched by all who care about us.  Week three has not been any easier.  The heartache of losing him seems to be worse.  I know it will just take time for the pain to hurt less, but I know I will always have a sadness of not having Silas with me.  I can easily say I know his life is better in Heaven than our lives here on earth, but once again my flesh does not want to think that.

Below are a few pictures of the things I have talked about and some links to songs I have been listening to.

 

Sorry, but could not figure out how to turn or crop the picture