This week is CHD (congenital heart defect) awareness.  Until Silas I really had no clue about pediatric CHD.  I knew children were born with heart issues, but never really understood the severity of it.  I did not understand what these children and their families have to endure.  I never knew anyone who had to deal with this awful defect, so I honestly did not pay much attention to CHDs.  Unfortunately, I do now.  Congenital heart defects are actually the #1 birth defect.  It is the leading cause of death in children over all other childhood diseases combined.  I was shocked when I read these statistics for the first time.  I had no clue.  CHD does not have a face to put with it like other pediatric illnesses.  When you look at these children most of them do not look sick, or the misunderstanding that they are “fixed” after their many open heart surgeries and procedures.  But it is a life long battle just to live.  In rememberance of Silas and for all the families who have had to walk this path I wanted to bring awareness to this serious birth defect.

I ordered a cross flower arrangement to mark Silas’ grave until we are able to get his tombstone put in.  A person from Etsy custom made it to look a lot like the flowers we had for his service.  We have visited his grave several times. We have this sense of needing to check on him.  It is hard to describe, but I need to visit him.  Even though he is gone I still have that mothering instinct to care for him.  He is still my little boy that I birthed.  I know there is nothing I can really do for him and that his spirit lives on in Heaven and not in this earth.  I guess it is a coping mechanism??

I was talking (well texting, since between the two of us we have 13 children and is impossible to actually talk on the phone) to one of my closest friends who is someone I can always go to no matter how long it has been since we talked.  I was telling her about our plans this spring to plant a big weeping willow tree in our backyard with an engraved bench to put under it as a way to keep Silas close to home.  The other day I received in the mail a beautiful silver necklace with a bench charm and a circle charm engraved with “Your story matters” on it.  Such a thoughtful reminder and a gift I will always treasure .

I had mentioned before that friends of ours wanted to make a donation in Silas’ name to an organization that we felt strongly about.  Boyd and I knew we wanted the gift to go towards something to do with missions.  Then it came to us to have the donation go to Back 2 Back.  It is the organization we spent time with while in Cancun and Silas was there with us in the womb.  Our friends in return contacted that organization and prayed about where to apply the money.  They found a women, in Cancun, who had eight children that had recently lost her husband and was about to lose some of her children to foster care due to lack of funds.  Our friends were drawn to the fact the women had eight children.  Silas was our eighth child and he was nicknamed Ocho while we were in Cancun.  Little did our friends know that we spent the day with several of the women’s eight children and learned all about her family and their needs.  After receiving this news I cried and thought how awesome our God is to have all this come together.  Thank you Phil and Jean for helping my Silas continue his missionary work.  I am forever thankful.  Speaking of Silas’ missionary work, his story has now been followed by people in fifteen countries!!  I pray my blog posts will open the eyes and hearts of people around the world to the Creator of our universe.  That a seed has been planted and will one day grow into a faithful servant of Christ.

Thank you to all who have sent cards, letters, and gifts to encourage us during this time.  I am touched by all who care about us.  Week three has not been any easier.  The heartache of losing him seems to be worse.  I know it will just take time for the pain to hurt less, but I know I will always have a sadness of not having Silas with me.  I can easily say I know his life is better in Heaven than our lives here on earth, but once again my flesh does not want to think that.

Below are a few pictures of the things I have talked about and some links to songs I have been listening to.

Sorry, but could not figure out how to turn or crop the picture