Today marks a month of finding out Silas had gone on to Heaven.  The last three months have been such a whirlwind.  Daily I still find myself staring in a daze, remembering all of the events that have taken place.  Still not able to believe Boyd and I have a child in Heaven.  Our faith in the Lord has been our only hope to get through this.  To know we will see Silas again one day.  To be honest, I have had many moments where I was so angry and full of grief that I did not want to hear that “God will comfort me”, or “He will get me through this”.  I just wanted Silas home with me.  It was not due to my faith being shaken, but just the process of grief.  I do have more days without crying now.  The rawness is not as fresh.  But never a day where I don’t think of him multiple times a day.

While in the hospital my sister sent me a beautiful flower/plant arrangement and it had a red bird in it.  I was told that when you see a red bird it is someone from Heaven watching over you.  I personally do not believe that loved ones come back in different forms of people or animals, but maybe God will allow different things to show up as reminders that He is still there and cares?  The day of Silas’ funeral as we were about to pull away a cardinal flew over his grave.  It immediately caught my eye as its red body was such a contrast to the white snow on the ground.  Even though I did not think that was Silas, it did remind me that I was not alone in this difficult situation.  We have had a red cardinal perch itself in a tree outside our dining room window several times while we are sitting there having our family meals.  I can’t help but feel a connection with Silas at those times. Weird, crazy? Maybe, but who am I to say how the Lord will find ways to bring us peace.

I don’t want to overload my posts with pictures of things we receive, but I am truly amazed and thankful for all the people who have been so thoughtful and caring to us.  We have had so much support that keeps on coming.  A friend of ours brought over today a precious moments figurine that was so touching.  As I wrote in a previous blog I collect precious moments figurines.  As we found the perfect spot to put it in my curio cabinet we could not keep the tears back.  The figurine is of a mom handing over her child to an angel, and it is labeled “Mommy’s love goes with you”.  It also has his name and the  dates he was alive(which we consider the whole time he was in the womb) on it in gold.

Since we are a large family, when we are out and about we get a lot of questions and one that always comes up is “How many children do you have?”  The first few times this has happened I stumbled because it took me off guard.  How do I say I have 8 without going into my whole story?  I end up saying we have 7 and 1 who recently went to Heaven.  I am still not real comfortable with saying that.  Surprisingly the people do not get all weird and quiet which is what I brace myself for, but start talking to me about it.

Today was the first holiday that he missed.  Although it was not a big holiday, I still found myself counting out eight chocolate hearts while at the store instead of 7.  Today is Boyd’s birthday and his first without his son.  Seems like every week has some kind of hurdle to get over.  Tomorrow we will be picking out his head stone.  Such decisions I never dreamed we would be making.  Thank you to all who read my blog and listen to my thoughts, feelings, and sometimes just ramblings.  My only motive in doing this blog is to help others  who have experienced a loss and to show people that there is hope through our Lord.

Psalm 119:28  My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Oh how I wish I could have just one glimpse of you in Heaven!