Although you have lived in your heavenly home for 2 months, I still would have chosen you…

If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

Missing my Silas today.  My days are not filled with as many tears as when we first found out his diagnosis and when he passed, but there is still that ache that I do not have my Silas with me.  Today was a day of tears as I daydream about how big I would be now (I would have been 32 weeks).  How strong his kicks and hiccups would feel.  Who would he look like most?  Even though he was our eighth child, all those anticipated special moments were still as precious as they were with our first.  It hurts so bad, but I am glad He chose me for you!

I am not one to admit to my needs or in the things I feel like I am failing at.  I always want to be strong and that I have it all together, but really I am just causing myself more struggles.  The struggles within to be independent.  Today I realized I needed to share this to maybe help/encourage others who feel the same.

Needless to say the last two years have been very rough emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  In those two years I delivered baby #7 and #8-one who was stillborn due to a complex heart defect, buried my stillborn child and daily face him being gone, had several kidney stone procedures, two broken feet, and being diagnosed with severe osteopenia/osteoporosis. I faced each obstacle knowing and believing that all would be ok because I believed in God’s plan for my life.  I thought I handled these situations with grace, but I was slowly building up bitterness.  I did not want to pray anymore.  Even though I knew God did not promise us a perfect life.  That is not why I chose to follow Him, so that I could get something in return.  But by this point I was telling God, “Haven’t I had enough?”  I slowly began losing my joy, and it began affecting every aspect of my life.  I kept wondering why I could have these feelings when I knew what to do when faced with trials.  I realized today that I was not asking God for wisdom to understand the trials I am facing, to help me go down the path He set out before me.

James 1:2-3  Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance.

I do not believe God inflicts pain on us, but I do believe he allows trials and tests to happen to appreciate His testing is good.  To appreciate that His testing promotes growth.  To produce attitudes that are willing to endure or continue.  We usually don’t want wisdom, but to escape our circumstances.  That is exactly what I was doing.  I had never let go of the trial.  I needed to humble myself and find joy again amongst the suffering.  By no means am I saying we can not grieve, be upset, or angry when trials come in our lives, but we must seek wisdom on how to handle those emotions.

Starting today I am going to pray for wisdom on how to handle my trials and not just escape them.  Is your heart convinced of His gentleness, goodness, and generosity?

Here are a few songs I heard today.

Our family has decided we would like to do the Congenital Heart Walk in memory of Silas. It will be held on May 21, 2016 in Indianapolis.  We wanted something our whole family could participate in to remember Silas and to raise money and awareness for CHDs.  There is still so much research that needs to be done to help these babies survive to birth and thrive.  It will be an honor if our family can be a small part in helping families who have been touched in some way by CHDs.  I feel we have to do our part now that we are no longer “ignorant” to these defects.  I wish there had been enough research done to have saved my Silas.  It is also not just about the fundraising, but it is important to Boyd and I that our other children remember Silas and what his journey was about.

If you would like to donate or come walk with us go to https://shar.es/1CGe3j

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