I am not one to admit to my needs or in the things I feel like I am failing at.  I always want to be strong and that I have it all together, but really I am just causing myself more struggles.  The struggles within to be independent.  Today I realized I needed to share this to maybe help/encourage others who feel the same.

Needless to say the last two years have been very rough emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  In those two years I delivered baby #7 and #8-one who was stillborn due to a complex heart defect, buried my stillborn child and daily face him being gone, had several kidney stone procedures, two broken feet, and being diagnosed with severe osteopenia/osteoporosis. I faced each obstacle knowing and believing that all would be ok because I believed in God’s plan for my life.  I thought I handled these situations with grace, but I was slowly building up bitterness.  I did not want to pray anymore.  Even though I knew God did not promise us a perfect life.  That is not why I chose to follow Him, so that I could get something in return.  But by this point I was telling God, “Haven’t I had enough?”  I slowly began losing my joy, and it began affecting every aspect of my life.  I kept wondering why I could have these feelings when I knew what to do when faced with trials.  I realized today that I was not asking God for wisdom to understand the trials I am facing, to help me go down the path He set out before me.

James 1:2-3  Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance.

I do not believe God inflicts pain on us, but I do believe he allows trials and tests to happen to appreciate His testing is good.  To appreciate that His testing promotes growth.  To produce attitudes that are willing to endure or continue.  We usually don’t want wisdom, but to escape our circumstances.  That is exactly what I was doing.  I had never let go of the trial.  I needed to humble myself and find joy again amongst the suffering.  By no means am I saying we can not grieve, be upset, or angry when trials come in our lives, but we must seek wisdom on how to handle those emotions.

Starting today I am going to pray for wisdom on how to handle my trials and not just escape them.  Is your heart convinced of His gentleness, goodness, and generosity?

Here are a few songs I heard today.