Today or sometime around this date we were expecting to hold our precious little boy.  I found it quite ironic that on his due date his headstone was delivered.  This chapter of our journey with Silas is finished.  Ever since we found out about him we have been planning.  First it was all the planning of adding another little one into our family.  Like, where will he sleep, adding on a new addition to our home, his name, and everything else that goes along with having a newborn.  Then when we received his diagnosis of HLHS the planning switched to how are we going to care for a child with a possible terminal diagnosis-being heartbroken, which doctors would take care of him, moving out of state, and all that goes along with this terrifying diagnosis.  Next, the planning of his death.  All the decisions of his burial.  Lastly, the planning of how we will remember him and  keeping his memory alive.  Now that all of that is done I am left with all the feelings of him being gone.  No more planning.  Although we will continue to be active in spreading awareness and helping however we can with congenital heart defects.  Also we will always look for ways to celebrate his life that God created.  We look forward to the next chapter with him.

Thank you again for all our family and friends who have prayed us through this time.  For always listening to me repeat over and over my sadness and frustrations.  For supporting my blog and encouraging me to keep on writing, that it matters and touches others in many ways.

This is a video Boyd and I put together to remember him and all that we have gone through with him.  It is kind of long, but special to us, especially the song that plays along.

 

For the last two months we have been planning for the heart walk in Indianapolis. Several family and friends participated in the weekend with us. We had strongsilas.com shirts made for us all to wear and we were able to raise 800.00 for congenital heart defect research. 

We spent Friday at a beautiful park just spending time as a family. We even got treats from the ice cream truck (we live in the country so our children never get that experience). They thought that was really cool. They even ate one for silas🙂

That evening,back at our hotel, we met up with some of our best friends the fillas. We enjoyed dinner and swimming. My younger ones kept saying it was the best time of their lives. I was happy they could have a fun time in memory of their little brother. 

Today we were up early to enjoy the heart walk.  It was raining in the early morning and I was nervous about how we would handle the rain with little ones. As soon as we got there the rain had stopped and the sun came out. Could not have been more perfect.  They had a great turn out and were able to raise 55,500. The mile walk was through the beautiful Butler University. I was not prepared for the jealousy I would feel seeing some of the parents with their heart warriors. By no means do I think they have had the easy way either. I broke down a few times wishing my circumstances were different for this walk. But at the same time I found myself smiling at them and sharing that look of “I understand you”.  The kids enjoyed every minute of it. They felt as if it was a big celebration. Which is exactly what we wanted, to celebrate his life. 

After the walk we went out for lunch. The waitress asked about our shirts. After explaining to her what they meant she started to tear up. She told us she lost her 5 mo. 20 years ago and wanted her top to go towards strongsilas.com. I thought it was very sweet of her. 

We plan to do this yearly to shed light on CHD’s and to remember Silas. I want my children to always remember their little brother and at the same time to help others.

 This Thursday his headstone will be placed, which ironically Is my due date. It has felt like this chapter was never closed due to waiting for his gravesite to be complete. I guess I never understood all the emotions of death and importance of the burial until now. I know he is in heaven and not at the grave, but it gives me peace knowing he still has a place here on earth.   

I miss him so much and would have done anything to fight for him to stay here with me, but I am also glad he is not suffering. But in fact rejoicing with Jesus and his whole heart.  One day we will see you again my little boy. You will forever be in my heart💕

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, Lord,

    and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;

    you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;

    you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue

    you, Lord, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,

    and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;

    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful,

    I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

    when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

    they would outnumber the grains of sand—

    when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!

    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;

    your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,

    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;

    I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;

    test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting.

I debated on writing an entry today because honestly I just did not feel like it.  But by evening I kept being reminded that there are many people who read my blog who are or have been in similar situations and find comfort in reading that someone understands what they are going through or that they are not alone in their feelings.

I was not sure how I would feel this Mothers Day combined with my approaching due date.  I can go days talking about Silas and missing him, but feeling peace about it, and then out of the blue have a day of crying.  Feeling like losing him just happened yesterday.  I woke up today feeling angry and sad.  Yet, on the other hand feeling blessed that my seven other children took the time to honor me today with poems and cards.  It is always a tug of war with my emotions.  Balancing between joy of seeing my children go about their day to day activities and all their silliness to an emptiness-sadness that I will not have that opportunity with Silas.  God truly has His hand upon me as I would be completely lost in sadness if it were not for Him.  I found myself quickly running off today to cry in hiding because I was suppose to be happy today, right?   I really felt the need to visit Silas today by myself.  I always go with Boyd.  It is just something we do together.  Like it does not feel right going without him, but today I needed to talk to Silas by myself and just let myself grieve without worrying about anyone or anything else.

Throughout the day my five year old, Eve, would talk about Silas.  Almost daily she will say “I wish Silas did not die.  Will you have another baby boy that I will get to play with?”  Today she asked “Why did God let Silas die?  Isn’t that mean of Him?”  Before I could answer her because I was kind of caught off guard she said “Is it because He was not powerful enough to stop it?”  I was heart broken that she has to even think about this already, but also thought it was a good opportunity to share with her that our God is a loving God and all powerful.  He does not allow bad things to happen because He is mean.  We have to trust Him with the good and the bad.  He promises to bring good out of all things for those who love Him, but it does’t mean we won’t face “bad” things.  We may find it hard to think anything good could come out of Silas going to Heaven, but we have to have faith that God knows all that is going on and is there for us and guide us.  Boy, was that hard telling her when at times my flesh wants to think like she does.  I think God brings up these conversations to remind me of the truth and to help me fight against my fleshly thoughts.

Here are my poems that my three older children wrote for me today.  I thought they were cute and wanted to share

Dearest Mother

We all hope this day you’ll remember

As a day spent loving

And simply being together

A special day to commemorate you

And only you, dearest Mother

For not many people have quite the vigor

And personality as you do

So tonight we lift our glasses and sippy cups alike

To our dearest Mother whose carcinogens to us

Is as big as the sun is bright

 

 

You taught me how to wash my face

And how to use the potty

You made me eat up all my greens

And wipe my nose when snotty

You taught me to say please and thank you

Because politeness is the way

So thank you so much for helping me

And Happy Mothers Day

 

 

On this Mothers Day we celebrate you

And if theres on thing you should know

Is that we love you through and through

Through the good times and bad times that we live

You always seem to be positive

So if theres on wish I could have on this Mothers Day

Is that you could have the best day today