On this day a year ago we were flying to Philadelphia with the acceptance of Silas’ broken heart, with feelings of relief knowing we were going to one of the best hospitals to treat his condition.  I remember feeling joy on the airplane as Boyd and I went over all the heart diagrams (to make sure we had the anatomy and function down to discuss all the complex issues with some of the best drs.), discussing the apartment we were about to rent that we would live in for the next year.  It was a joy of knowing we had made this decision to move far away from home to give Silas the best care.  That it was going to be so hard, but God would see us through it all-and He did!

I look back on that day and it kind of makes me sad that I had such false hope.  At the worst we thought he would need a heart transplant.  I really did not think they would tell me he was already in heart failure and there was nothing that could be done.  I remember thinking “How is that possible, you guys are the best.  That is why we came here!” I know I could not have foreseen what lie ahead, and that God still gave me joy amongst our circumstances.  Maybe I am just angry that it did not turn out how I thought or wanted.

It does not feel like it has been a year.  Time has gone by so fast.  It still feels so fresh when I look back on all the details of his little life.  January 14th-the day he passed and January 15th-the day he was born will be some tough days.  Plans have been in the making of what we wanted to do to celebrate his life and the day he was birthed into this world. It will be a day spent with our children remembering Silas William Lee Gentry.  We have some fun activities planned with the kids and some tough ones planned.  I have not opened his memory boxes that hold all his memories from the hospital and things we had purchased before we knew he would pass away.  Boyd and I know it will be heartbreaking, but I don’t want to forget him.  I break down crying everytime I think about doing it and seeing his blanket he laid in while I held him.

Throughout this year God has lifted me up so many times.  When I start going down that spiraling path of sadness and anger He is always there to pull me out.  He has been so patient with me as I am not perfect and have not always accepted Silas’ death.  I have a different understanding now of the sacrifice of God’s only Son.  How Jesus willingly died for me and you.  What a huge sacrifice it was!

This song is not one that builds me up or gives me strength, but the words are exactly how it feels and what you think when having lost a little one too soon.