I debated on writing an entry today because honestly I just did not feel like it.  But by evening I kept being reminded that there are many people who read my blog who are or have been in similar situations and find comfort in reading that someone understands what they are going through or that they are not alone in their feelings.

I was not sure how I would feel this Mothers Day combined with my approaching due date.  I can go days talking about Silas and missing him, but feeling peace about it, and then out of the blue have a day of crying.  Feeling like losing him just happened yesterday.  I woke up today feeling angry and sad.  Yet, on the other hand feeling blessed that my seven other children took the time to honor me today with poems and cards.  It is always a tug of war with my emotions.  Balancing between joy of seeing my children go about their day to day activities and all their silliness to an emptiness-sadness that I will not have that opportunity with Silas.  God truly has His hand upon me as I would be completely lost in sadness if it were not for Him.  I found myself quickly running off today to cry in hiding because I was suppose to be happy today, right?   I really felt the need to visit Silas today by myself.  I always go with Boyd.  It is just something we do together.  Like it does not feel right going without him, but today I needed to talk to Silas by myself and just let myself grieve without worrying about anyone or anything else.

Throughout the day my five year old, Eve, would talk about Silas.  Almost daily she will say “I wish Silas did not die.  Will you have another baby boy that I will get to play with?”  Today she asked “Why did God let Silas die?  Isn’t that mean of Him?”  Before I could answer her because I was kind of caught off guard she said “Is it because He was not powerful enough to stop it?”  I was heart broken that she has to even think about this already, but also thought it was a good opportunity to share with her that our God is a loving God and all powerful.  He does not allow bad things to happen because He is mean.  We have to trust Him with the good and the bad.  He promises to bring good out of all things for those who love Him, but it does’t mean we won’t face “bad” things.  We may find it hard to think anything good could come out of Silas going to Heaven, but we have to have faith that God knows all that is going on and is there for us and guide us.  Boy, was that hard telling her when at times my flesh wants to think like she does.  I think God brings up these conversations to remind me of the truth and to help me fight against my fleshly thoughts.

Here are my poems that my three older children wrote for me today.  I thought they were cute and wanted to share

Dearest Mother

We all hope this day you’ll remember

As a day spent loving

And simply being together

A special day to commemorate you

And only you, dearest Mother

For not many people have quite the vigor

And personality as you do

So tonight we lift our glasses and sippy cups alike

To our dearest Mother whose carcinogens to us

Is as big as the sun is bright

 

 

You taught me how to wash my face

And how to use the potty

You made me eat up all my greens

And wipe my nose when snotty

You taught me to say please and thank you

Because politeness is the way

So thank you so much for helping me

And Happy Mothers Day

 

 

On this Mothers Day we celebrate you

And if theres on thing you should know

Is that we love you through and through

Through the good times and bad times that we live

You always seem to be positive

So if theres on wish I could have on this Mothers Day

Is that you could have the best day today

 

 

 

We had such beautiful weather this weekend. Silas’ siblings wanted to make him pictures to put at his grave. So we came up with a way to display the pictures and keep them dry. 

   
   
I still find it hard to believe he is gone. We had been planning on moving to Philadelphia for his care at this time. My due date is getting closer and It is a date looming over me. Not really sure how I will feel as that date passes and he is not here. We were so ready to do whatever it took to give him the best life possible. Through all my range of emotions God has remained a good good father.   

We went to the zoo yesterday to enjoy some family time. As we walked through the zoo a little Cardinal flew in and out of our path( a cardinal flew over his grave at his service and has become a symbol of Silas when we see one, which always comes at the right time).God sent that little reminder  that Silas was with us in our hearts on this family trip. 

We were encouraged to get our whole family checked for any heart issues due to the defect Silas had. The insurance will sure love us when they see nine bills for nine echocardiograms come through their office. I had anxiety going into them, not sure how the young ones would do, but they did great. Praying and believing for good results. 

  
I end this blog with an encouragement to others who are facing trials in their lives to seek God. He will be a source of comfort, peace, and wisdom. He may not take all the hurt away as our flesh will still cry out, but his arms are wide open to  love you if you willing to accept it. 

The nice weather finally arrived for a few days for us to break ground on Silas’ memorial garden in our backyard. I was so excited to see his tree being planted. It is a very large golden weeping willow. The next phase will be to build the garden area where his bench will sit. Unfortunately the bench will not be ready until July.   The morning after the tree was planted I woke up and opened my eyes and I realized I had a direct view of his tree/garden area. I cried happy tears. 

A talented friend of ours designed our logo for our shirts that we will wear for the heart walk in May.  It symbolizes what we are doing in our backyard.

We greatly appreciate all the support we have received from friends and family. These projects help me feel like I am still able to do things for Silas and to help others going through similar situations. Not a day goes by that I don’t read about another child who has lost their battle to a Chd. It saddens me and at the same time angers me. All I can do is pray that God will give those families peace and comfort them during their own journey.

We went to visit his grave and saw they had the forms ready to pour the concrete for his headstone that will come in May. For some reason that hit me hard. It took me by surprise. My younger kids get nervous when I start to cry and they ask why is your face doing that?😏.  They don’t want to see mommy sad.  I composed myself and as we pulled away wouldn’t you know it the song we sang at his funeral-He is with us, started playing on the radio and the tears started all over again. I have learned that you can never tell what, where, who, or when will trigger a crying spell and that I just let it happen and not fight it.

Silas’ journey has now been read in 32 countries. He is still my little missionary that I love and miss every day.   I can honestly say I think of him dozens of times a day.   My little Ocho

Although you have lived in your heavenly home for 2 months, I still would have chosen you…

If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

 

Missing my Silas today.  My days are not filled with as many tears as when we first found out his diagnosis and when he passed, but there is still that ache that I do not have my Silas with me.  Today was a day of tears as I daydream about how big I would be now (I would have been 32 weeks).  How strong his kicks and hiccups would feel.  Who would he look like most?  Even though he was our eighth child, all those anticipated special moments were still as precious as they were with our first.  It hurts so bad, but I am glad He chose me for you!

I am not one to admit to my needs or in the things I feel like I am failing at.  I always want to be strong and that I have it all together, but really I am just causing myself more struggles.  The struggles within to be independent.  Today I realized I needed to share this to maybe help/encourage others who feel the same.

Needless to say the last two years have been very rough emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  In those two years I delivered baby #7 and #8-one who was stillborn due to a complex heart defect, buried my stillborn child and daily face him being gone, had several kidney stone procedures, two broken feet, and being diagnosed with severe osteopenia/osteoporosis. I faced each obstacle knowing and believing that all would be ok because I believed in God’s plan for my life.  I thought I handled these situations with grace, but I was slowly building up bitterness.  I did not want to pray anymore.  Even though I knew God did not promise us a perfect life.  That is not why I chose to follow Him, so that I could get something in return.  But by this point I was telling God, “Haven’t I had enough?”  I slowly began losing my joy, and it began affecting every aspect of my life.  I kept wondering why I could have these feelings when I knew what to do when faced with trials.  I realized today that I was not asking God for wisdom to understand the trials I am facing, to help me go down the path He set out before me.

James 1:2-3  Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance.

I do not believe God inflicts pain on us, but I do believe he allows trials and tests to happen to appreciate His testing is good.  To appreciate that His testing promotes growth.  To produce attitudes that are willing to endure or continue.  We usually don’t want wisdom, but to escape our circumstances.  That is exactly what I was doing.  I had never let go of the trial.  I needed to humble myself and find joy again amongst the suffering.  By no means am I saying we can not grieve, be upset, or angry when trials come in our lives, but we must seek wisdom on how to handle those emotions.

Starting today I am going to pray for wisdom on how to handle my trials and not just escape them.  Is your heart convinced of His gentleness, goodness, and generosity?

Here are a few songs I heard today.

 

Our family has decided we would like to do the Congenital Heart Walk in memory of Silas. It will be held on May 21, 2016 in Indianapolis.  We wanted something our whole family could participate in to remember Silas and to raise money and awareness for CHDs.  There is still so much research that needs to be done to help these babies survive to birth and thrive.  It will be an honor if our family can be a small part in helping families who have been touched in some way by CHDs.  I feel we have to do our part now that we are no longer “ignorant” to these defects.  I wish there had been enough research done to have saved my Silas.  It is also not just about the fundraising, but it is important to Boyd and I that our other children remember Silas and what his journey was about.

If you would like to donate or come walk with us go to https://shar.es/1CGe3j

Please feel free to share.

What a beautiful day God gave us in February.  It felt so good to spend the day in the sunshine with the family.  We took full advantage of it, even though I had to hobble through it due to a broken right foot.  It was the first time we were able to visit Silas’ grave leisurely without freezing, and the kids wanting to get back inside the van.  We then went to a nursery and shopped  for a tree to put in the sitting garden we are planning for our backyard as a place to remember Silas.  We found the perfect tree that we had envisioned for his garden.  I wanted a large weeping willow tree that we could put a bench under.  I am thankful we found a large tree that was already grown.  I can not wait to see it in bloom.  Last week when we went to pick out his head stone we were able to buy a beautiful granite park bench with special engravings to put in our garden.  Unfortunately we will have to wait until July before it is ready.  What started as just a small tree and a bench as a memorial for Silas has turned into a beautiful sitting garden with many personal touches.  It will be completed in stages over the next few months, and of course I will post pictures:)  The planning of his garden has brought me times of happiness in the midst of such heartache.

Psalm 139:1-16

Today marks a month of finding out Silas had gone on to Heaven.  The last three months have been such a whirlwind.  Daily I still find myself staring in a daze, remembering all of the events that have taken place.  Still not able to believe Boyd and I have a child in Heaven.  Our faith in the Lord has been our only hope to get through this.  To know we will see Silas again one day.  To be honest, I have had many moments where I was so angry and full of grief that I did not want to hear that “God will comfort me”, or “He will get me through this”.  I just wanted Silas home with me.  It was not due to my faith being shaken, but just the process of grief.  I do have more days without crying now.  The rawness is not as fresh.  But never a day where I don’t think of him multiple times a day.

While in the hospital my sister sent me a beautiful flower/plant arrangement and it had a red bird in it.  I was told that when you see a red bird it is someone from Heaven watching over you.  I personally do not believe that loved ones come back in different forms of people or animals, but maybe God will allow different things to show up as reminders that He is still there and cares?  The day of Silas’ funeral as we were about to pull away a cardinal flew over his grave.  It immediately caught my eye as its red body was such a contrast to the white snow on the ground.  Even though I did not think that was Silas, it did remind me that I was not alone in this difficult situation.  We have had a red cardinal perch itself in a tree outside our dining room window several times while we are sitting there having our family meals.  I can’t help but feel a connection with Silas at those times. Weird, crazy? Maybe, but who am I to say how the Lord will find ways to bring us peace.

I don’t want to overload my posts with pictures of things we receive, but I am truly amazed and thankful for all the people who have been so thoughtful and caring to us.  We have had so much support that keeps on coming.  A friend of ours brought over today a precious moments figurine that was so touching.  As I wrote in a previous blog I collect precious moments figurines.  As we found the perfect spot to put it in my curio cabinet we could not keep the tears back.  The figurine is of a mom handing over her child to an angel, and it is labeled “Mommy’s love goes with you”.  It also has his name and the  dates he was alive(which we consider the whole time he was in the womb) on it in gold.

Since we are a large family, when we are out and about we get a lot of questions and one that always comes up is “How many children do you have?”  The first few times this has happened I stumbled because it took me off guard.  How do I say I have 8 without going into my whole story?  I end up saying we have 7 and 1 who recently went to Heaven.  I am still not real comfortable with saying that.  Surprisingly the people do not get all weird and quiet which is what I brace myself for, but start talking to me about it.

Today was the first holiday that he missed.  Although it was not a big holiday, I still found myself counting out eight chocolate hearts while at the store instead of 7.  Today is Boyd’s birthday and his first without his son.  Seems like every week has some kind of hurdle to get over.  Tomorrow we will be picking out his head stone.  Such decisions I never dreamed we would be making.  Thank you to all who read my blog and listen to my thoughts, feelings, and sometimes just ramblings.  My only motive in doing this blog is to help others  who have experienced a loss and to show people that there is hope through our Lord.

Psalm 119:28  My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

Oh how I wish I could have just one glimpse of you in Heaven!

This week is CHD (congenital heart defect) awareness.  Until Silas I really had no clue about pediatric CHD.  I knew children were born with heart issues, but never really understood the severity of it.  I did not understand what these children and their families have to endure.  I never knew anyone who had to deal with this awful defect, so I honestly did not pay much attention to CHDs.  Unfortunately, I do now.  Congenital heart defects are actually the #1 birth defect.  It is the leading cause of death in children over all other childhood diseases combined.  I was shocked when I read these statistics for the first time.  I had no clue.  CHD does not have a face to put with it like other pediatric illnesses.  When you look at these children most of them do not look sick, or the misunderstanding that they are “fixed” after their many open heart surgeries and procedures.  But it is a life long battle just to live.  In rememberance of Silas and for all the families who have had to walk this path I wanted to bring awareness to this serious birth defect.

I ordered a cross flower arrangement to mark Silas’ grave until we are able to get his tombstone put in.  A person from Etsy custom made it to look a lot like the flowers we had for his service.  We have visited his grave several times. We have this sense of needing to check on him.  It is hard to describe, but I need to visit him.  Even though he is gone I still have that mothering instinct to care for him.  He is still my little boy that I birthed.  I know there is nothing I can really do for him and that his spirit lives on in Heaven and not in this earth.  I guess it is a coping mechanism??

I was talking (well texting, since between the two of us we have 13 children and is impossible to actually talk on the phone) to one of my closest friends who is someone I can always go to no matter how long it has been since we talked.  I was telling her about our plans this spring to plant a big weeping willow tree in our backyard with an engraved bench to put under it as a way to keep Silas close to home.  The other day I received in the mail a beautiful silver necklace with a bench charm and a circle charm engraved with “Your story matters” on it.  Such a thoughtful reminder and a gift I will always treasure .

I had mentioned before that friends of ours wanted to make a donation in Silas’ name to an organization that we felt strongly about.  Boyd and I knew we wanted the gift to go towards something to do with missions.  Then it came to us to have the donation go to Back 2 Back.  It is the organization we spent time with while in Cancun and Silas was there with us in the womb.  Our friends in return contacted that organization and prayed about where to apply the money.  They found a women, in Cancun, who had eight children that had recently lost her husband and was about to lose some of her children to foster care due to lack of funds.  Our friends were drawn to the fact the women had eight children.  Silas was our eighth child and he was nicknamed Ocho while we were in Cancun.  Little did our friends know that we spent the day with several of the women’s eight children and learned all about her family and their needs.  After receiving this news I cried and thought how awesome our God is to have all this come together.  Thank you Phil and Jean for helping my Silas continue his missionary work.  I am forever thankful.  Speaking of Silas’ missionary work, his story has now been followed by people in fifteen countries!!  I pray my blog posts will open the eyes and hearts of people around the world to the Creator of our universe.  That a seed has been planted and will one day grow into a faithful servant of Christ.

Thank you to all who have sent cards, letters, and gifts to encourage us during this time.  I am touched by all who care about us.  Week three has not been any easier.  The heartache of losing him seems to be worse.  I know it will just take time for the pain to hurt less, but I know I will always have a sadness of not having Silas with me.  I can easily say I know his life is better in Heaven than our lives here on earth, but once again my flesh does not want to think that.

Below are a few pictures of the things I have talked about and some links to songs I have been listening to.

 

Sorry, but could not figure out how to turn or crop the picture

It has been two weeks since Silas has passed, yet it already feels like he has been gone for two months.  I can’t bring myself to delete the app on my phone that tells me how many weeks and days pregnant I am suppose to be-23 weeks, 3 days.  This second week has been so much harder than I thought it would be.  So many emotions have come up.  We have also started back to our “normal” routine:  homeschooling, church, chauffeuring the kids to different activities, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and Boyd needing to attend to his law practice.  All of that combined has created chaos within me.

I struggled with what I wanted to write today.  I want to be positive and post about how well things are going, but in the end I decided I needed to tell what I (we) are really feeling.  I felt impressed to share our true grieving process.  That maybe others who have gone through or are going through a loss can see that what they may be feeling is ok.  A friend of ours who recently went through a similar situation shared with me how it was “ok” to still be crying, angered, and upset months later.  Knowing that information helped me to feel like I was not just losing it, or a hot hormonal mess.  Although I am sure my postpartum hormones are playing a part in it.  Also I feel there is a stigma that being a Christian means you have to be positive all the time, and by showing emotions that you are not trusting in God-lacking faith.  I was actually told this during our journey with Silas.

When I look in the mirror I see in my eyes the toll the stress and grief has taken on me.  I have been very irritable with my children which causes me more guilt.  Some days I feel like I have emotionally checked out and neglecting my other children.  While in the hospital delivering Silas I said I would appreciate my kids more, spend more quality time with them.  Here I am doing the opposite.  I know it has only been two weeks and I need time to get use to the idea he is gone, but it is so hard to think logically while you are in the storm.  I have days where I don’t cry and can smile at my kids silliness.  But there are many days where all I do is fight the tears and cry so hard I can’t breathe, don’t want to get out of bed, and grumble to God about how this is not fair.  I feel like the child in me comes out and just wants to throw a tantrum and say “It’s not fair” with my arms crossed tightly across my chest.  At the end of it all my only hope is in Him.  I know I would be completely lost without Him.  This journey would be unbearable if I did not have the comfort of my Savior, my Heavenly Father to comfort me. To have hope that I will see Silas again one day.  Yes, I do still have the peace within me, but some days it is just too hard to allow it to fill me.

I have many traditions that I follow each time I have a new little one, and I wanted to make sure I did that with Silas.  I have a glass door on my wall with all of my families pictures in each pane.  I had two of Silas’ pictures blown up and I put them in with his brothers and sisters.  At Christmas Boyd surprised me with my second mothers ring.  Yes, a second one.  My first ring only held five stones, so I outgrew that one real quick.  We joke that he should have bought a tennis bracelet to hold all the birthstones.  I have wanted a second ring because it felt weird to me to only wear a ring that represented half of my children, but we never made it a priority.  Boyd was thoughtful and picked out a beautiful second ring.  We were waiting to put in Silas’ stone because at the time we were not sure if he would be a May or June baby-my due date was May 27th.  When he passed I called them right away to have them put in a garnet stone.  They already had the ring due to sizing it.  I went to pick it up yesterday and the lady at the desk asked how my baby was in that voice you use when talking about babies.  I don’t mind sharing his story, but I always get uncomfortable with the other persons response or uneasiness after I tell them what happened.  I felt bad for her actually because I could tell she felt so awful for what she had just said.  But of course she had no way of knowing what had happened.  I put the ring on and cried the whole way home.  Sitting in the car long enough for the redness in my face to go away so it did not look like I had been crying.  Not sure why, but I don’t want people to know I cry.  I have a hard time letting people see I don’t have it all together.  I guess that is my point in sharing this blog.  Ever since I was a little girl I collected Precious Moments figurines.  When I started having children I would pick out a figurine that reminded me of them.  I found one that just stuck out to me and what I thought my Silas would look like. Ok, I know I have a lot of traditions, this is the last one that I have accomplished so far.  Yes, I have a few more that I will post later as they happen:)  I have a charm bracelet that Boyd bought me at my high school graduation.  Everywhere we traveled I would buy a charm from that place.  When we started having children I would buy a charm that had something to do with their name.  While picking up my ring I bought a charm of a tree.  Silas’ name means woody, of the woods.  Just for fun I have posted a few pictures of my traditions, except the charm as it will not be ready for a few weeks.  In the picture with the Precious Moments is a few gifts we have also received-bonsai tree, needlepoint, and teddy bear.  We have many future plans on how to keep Silas’ memory alive in  our home. So I am sure you will see them soon.

On a happy note, Silas’ blog has now been seen in fourteen countries-US, United Kingdom, Brazil, Canada, Australia, Columbia, Malaysia, Croatia, Philippines, Italy, Argentina, Portugal, Germany, and France!!!  I have had so many people follow his story.  That is what keeps me posting.  To encourage or share with others that when tragedy hits it can be so overwhelming, but there is hope.  It is ok, to feel totally crippled by it, but we have someone who can not just walk beside us during theses times, but who will actually carry us through them.  I just have to remember that.